Yesterday, marked as a day of heaviness. Not knowing what to make of it until after lunch. Josh gone for the day. Kids outside playing. I went to my bedroom, closed the door, and said, "I am listening Lord". Mark 4 was on my mind as I heard Pastor Begg's podcast earlier. I turned to it. Mark 4:35-41 was where I sat. Still. Pondering. We all know the story. Jesus was in the stern, 'asleep on a cushion'. A big storm comes, 'waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up'. Disciples wake up Jesus totally freaked out, as my daughter would say. Jesus got up, said a few words to the wind and sea. Everything...'perfectly calm'. Jesus then asks the question, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?". (At that moment I knew what the heaviness was related to.) "No Lord, I don't have the faith." Ever so quietly I sat. Why is this? With whispered prayer, "I feel like I am the boat. Waves crashing over me. Water filling up. Sinking me. I know You're on the boat. I know You are. What am I afraid of? Where is my faith?"
I am not sure I know the complete answer to my questions. Lack-of competency might be one. Feelings of unworthiness might be another. Not really understanding my path here, another. Through all of this I am reminded in the beginning of Mark 4; Faith as small as a mustard seed can do great things. We might never know what comes from those little tiny seeds. Though my insufficient faith might I still be used for Him.
That afternoon I went visiting. You might ask what a typical visit looks like. I walk down a dirt road to visit some neighbors. The visits are almost always outside of the home. Homes are small and used for sleeping and storing things. It is not typically a place for visits. It is very hot in the home. Little ventilation. Windows and doors are almost always closed due to unwanted bad spirits that could enter in. So we sit outside. Plastic chairs are for visitors only. After the visit they are put away, back in the house. I sit, asking how their family is. Asking how they are. Listening a lot. Not really knowing what to say. My heart, today, must have been on sensitivity alert. I have lived here for a year and a half and didn't see the filth as I saw yesterday. Compassion over took me. Sitting next to their store, which is on a cart, I was surrounded by hundreds of flies. My neighbors looked dirty. Not the 'dirty' you might think of. Soiled might be the better word. I never noticed the dirt. How come? I don't know why. A boy sitting by me had this cough. I never heard a cough quite like that. It made me concerned, wondering what his future holds. Thoughts whirled; What must the neighbors think of ME? What am I doing sitting there? I want to tell them that Jesus wants to be on their boat. How can I when they are dirty, smelly, hungry, sick, hurting, angry, drunk? And I am clean, clothed well, not hungry, have insurance and 'well off'….I visit one more family. Their house is made of sticks and tilting so far over, a big log is perched on one side of the house to keep it standing! (This is the family with the pigs. The boy who washed my window? I told you about them in the last post) I visit them. The cousin had a baby. I held the baby. What a lovely family. Yet, oh, does mom look tired. The no-way-out-look. I sit. Asking about family again. And a few more questions. I felt this warm feeling on my leg. The baby peed. Most can't afford diapers. So babies go where they go. Can't help it. They felt bad that this happened. I reassured them it was no big deal. After awhile, I head home, wondering how someone like me can tell them who needs to be in their boat.
I am reminded of Moses. He had many excuses as why he couldn't be the one God would use. Through God's love, graciousness and compassion he reassured Moses and also sent Aaron as his helper. I know I am a Moses. So unsure of my usefulness. Faith so small. I pray my faith will grow, knowing I am right where He wants me, rooted firmly, in the boat with him having NOTHING to fear.
